THE DAY

 

The day began emotionally chaotic.  I had a job application to make; a trip to a temporary agency to register for work.; it was time to apply for food stamps.  The morning was full of my troubled meditations.  Scott was primarily on my mind.  The day before he had an interview with police detectives that I took him to.  He came out pale and shaky.  He had told them all off, he said, and walked out.  They were questioning him about a burglary at Julia's mom and dad's fish shop.  We were both a little revved up with fear of what was coming next.  I had observed some suspicious spending of money.  For instance, he'd "rented" a house from one of his Dad's friends.  His explanations sounded on the edge of credible.  But now, it looked like my stomach had been right those months  All the signs pointed to Scott.  Anyway, he had to go to work that night.  He was to begin his first probation meeting on Wednesday, the next day.  We had been to court regarding the Kroger incident that Monday.  I dropped him off at his house and he said he had a ride to work.  I called him later that night, at work, and asked how he was feeling.  I closed the conversation with the words "I love you Scott".  He told me loved me too.

I do think the day to follow was the longest day of my life.

I ended my tumultuous meditations on my knees and in tears.  I took hold of myself and got out to take care of my tasks.  The first top I made was Scott's house.  The back door was open and I wandered through the house calling his name but I got no response from anybody.  I wanted to tell him my schedule in case he needed a ride downtown to the probation office for his appointment.  I left the house without seeing him or his roommates.  I went on about my own business.  About 2 o'clock I was sitting in the temporary agency filling out forms.  I paused as I watched the young men assembling for a safety meeting as a preamble to working in the local industry.  I considered what I was watching and thought "Scott can do this.  Scott can do this."  I looked up at the clock and it was right about 2 o'clock.  I resumed what I was doing and stayed another 45 minutes testing on the computer.

I left the temp agency just before 3 o'clock and considered driving past Scott's house and decided to go straight home.  As I drove down South I noticed that my front bedroom window upstairs was open wide and a chair was pulled out on the front step.  My mind started racing then, figuring had needed inside and had used this method of entry.  Normally someone was around my apartments that had a master key he could have used.

I checked my messages and there were several waiting for me.  One was from Julia.  She told me to go to Saint Elizabeth Hospital, that Scott had been taken there.  That's all the information she left me.  Then there was a call from Susan leaving me a number to call her.  I called her.  She told me to sit tight, she'd be right over.  I ended the call screaming at her "Is he dead?"  She only hung up on me.

Susan arrived with Lynn, her partner, and Corky, Scott's landlord.  I stood on the front lawn and screamed at them as they walked up the sidewalk, "Is he dead?" And Susan nodded her head in the affirmative.  She was desperately tracking down information.  She received a call that Scott was still alive at St. E.  I asked Susan what she knew.  He had broken into my house and stole my gun and had gone home and shot himself.  I raced upstairs and collected my safe and brought it downstairs and opened it to find my gun missing.  Nothing was out of place.  My safe was where it always was; it looked undisturbed.  This wasn't like Scott.  He always left a trail where he'd been.  The only sign he'd been there was the open window with the chair beneath it. 

I was dithering around the house and decided to call Helen, Scott's sister.  Kurt answered the phone and told me she was at work.  I told him what Scott had done.  We agreed I'd call her work and he'd meet us at my house.  He asked me not to tell Helen over the phone.  She called me on her cell phone on  her way over to the house, but I still didn't tell her what happened.  I called Todd Jordan and he was at my house immediately.  So there we all were except for Helen.

Lynn, Susan and I went to the hospital.  I swear Susan dropped me off at the front door, but I don't exactly remember where she and Lynn hooked up with me.  I asked at the info desk about Scott and gave me an ICU room number and we raced up there and the volunteer told us he was in the emergency room.  I ran for the elevator and Lynn said she knew another elevator we could take.  So she led us to an elevator down the hall and around the corner.  The dress I was wearing was tight around my knees and I'd hike it up above my knees so I could take strides and/or running steps.  I was just picking up my pace as I rounded the corner to where the entrance to the emergency room began and there was a stretcher being pushed toward me.  Even though he looked like a very old man and his eyes were swollen like eggs, I knew from ten feet that it was Scott.  I stopped beside his stretcher and told the attendants that he was my son and asked if they could tell me anything about his condition.  They told me I'd have to wait til I got to ICU before I  could learn anything.  I quietly accepted this and accompanied them to the elevator and stayed by Scott for the ride to ICU.  Scott was taken one way and I was guided to a private waiting room outside of ICU.  By the time I got there Helen, Kurt, Stefanie and Todd were waiting in the hall.

I was called into ICU.  Helen came in with me.  Tessie, Joe, Corky and Todd were there.  We surrounded the bed and Todd said a prayer.  I don't remember what he prayed.  After it was over I went over to Joe and introduced myself, extended my hand and asked who he was.  I hadn't recognized him.  Next thing the doctor was out in the hallway and we all piled out there.  He explained to me what had happened to Scott and had a colleague tell more about his injury.  At that point, Corky stepped forward and asked if he could ask a "teeny" request.  And that, it turned out, was to keep Scott alive until his Dad came home so he could see him breathing.  I intensely scanned the doctor's eyes for some help with this request.  It sounded gross to me.  I looked over some heads at Susan and said firmly, "Susan, I'll work with you".  She was there on behalf of Ron who was working in Africa. 

 Then we went back to the waiting room.  Helen, Todd and Bob met at Mom's house to tell her what had happened.  They brought her to the hospital and she arrived shortly.  I took her in to see Scott.  She proceeded to tell me how Scott used to tell her I had a gun.  Her tone was accusatory and her manner pointed as she went on to tell me of a young Scott relating the story of the gun Mom owned.  I was astonished and found myself doubled over and gasping with disbelief.  I stalked out of Scott's room and ICU and strode up to Helen, Stefanie and Todd and told them they had better do something about her.  Then I left to go outside to have a smoke.  It was time for a smoke.

Todd and Stefanie joined me as did Helen.  I think Helen went downstairs first because there had been words between her and Julia.  Jana was downstairs as was Julia and Michael.  One of them, Jana or Julia came over to our group and I ended up screaming at her because of her behavior.  These kids were soap operas of their own sort and I just don't live that way or act that way and I was having none of this nonsense while I was on watch.  I mean, the kids had just witnessed Scott's suicide, had been taken to the police station for statements and here they were at the hospital. This is the first I'd seen Jana.

Todd quietly but firmly called for civility and love.  I was grateful for his assertion of God's love.  I think it was then that Jana told me her story of the day and events.

She said that Scott was agitated when he woke up.  He was further agitated when she announced she was leaving him.  He trashed all of her stuff by throwing it out on the porch.  They went to the back yard and Scott began stuffing pills in his mouth.  She reached in his  mouth and got out as many as she could.  I forget the type of medication it was, or if I ever knew.  I tracked it down that he took it from Kerry.  Probably xanax.

They had more words and he got on his bike. Or he walked off.  I just don't remember the drama.  He returned with my gun.  Jana was on the front porch.  I still don't know why she didn't call the police when she saw the gun, but she didn't.  She was picking up her things on the front porch when she heard Scott ask her to come in and give him a hug.  I think this is what she said.  She hesitated, but as she put her foot in the door the gun went off and he had shot himself in the head.  Julia was on the phone to her mother, I don't know where Michael was.  Scott was in the living room by himself, sitting on the couch.  Julia called 911 and Michael and Jana administered some life saving techniques I think they were given by the 911 operator.  I was told the response to the call was circus like.  Cop cars, fire truck, ambulance--I don't know, I wasn't there.  I was testing at the temporary agency while this drama unfolded.  It wasn't till I got home that I found out . . . about 3 o'clock.

I am guilty of being angry with Scott when he died.  Angry that he was stuck in this destructive behavioral mode.  It was dangerous.  It was fatal.

Jana was upset that I wouldn't or hadn't let her see Scott.  I wasn't going to have a circus on my hands.  I escorted her upstairs and we both went into the ICU room to see Scott.  We only stayed a minute.  Then I took her out to call her grandmother to come get her and I waited with her until she came.  I put her in the car and told her to get some rest.  Michael and Julia had disappeared.

Back to the ICU waiting room.  There is mother, Helen and me.  Todd and Stefanie had left.  Helen left to go to my house to make a few phone calls.  She used my address book.  Somewhere in here Lisa Pope showed up.  Someone from the Hoffbrau had called her.  She was a huge help, introducing me to the staff of ICU who she knew from her previous employment at the hospital.  The staff were great and gracious.  They offered me every amenity and they offered me shelter when I needed it.

When the doctor arrived I know Susan was still there.  He said Scott was effectively dead.  The damage was devastating considering the type of bullet used - a hollow point.  He was on life support and a test needed to be carried out to confirm death.  I think it was then the organ lady showed up and began talking to us about organ donation.

She didn't get very at that time, just introduced the subject.  The Dr. said the test was scheduled for later that evening.  After the Dr. left, the waiting room cleared out.  No more Susan, Lynn or Corky or Joe.  I think Lisa arrived after the Dr. left. Kevin Sekley called me in the waiting room.  Danny Dubbison called me in the waiting room.

I had asked Todd to call the minister in Brenham to go by and tell Daddy.  Daddy got upset about that, called Helen and announced he would talk to no one but Helen.  He left Brenham that night about 6 o'clock to drive to Beaumont.  He arrived about 9 or 10 o'clock.  While we were waiting on him Lisa Pope had come to the hospital;  Helen went to house to make some phone calls.  Mom and I waited in the waiting room.  Bob Scales came and prayed with Mom and me.  I remember doing a lot of running around and demanded Lisa Pope call Susan on the phone.  I wanted to talk to Ron.  I demanded to talk to Ron and Susan wouldn't let me.  She wouldn't give me a number or offer to get him on the phone for me.  I assured her as I was on the phone that Ron and I would work together without acrimony.  I just wanted to talk to Ron.

When Daddy arrived I took him to see Scott.  He was the most shocked at the sight of him.  Daddy let out a holler when we walked into the room and exclaimed he as dead!  I took him right back out of ICU and put him in the waiting room.  We all sat around and visited.  It was quiet and fairly calm in the waiting room and I kept thinking, "This is the calm before the storm" and savored the quiet.

A little after 11 pm the Dr. came back along with the organ donation lady. Daddy, Mom, Helen, Lisa Pope and I were in the waiting room and calmly listened to the Dr. declaring Scott was dead.  The organ donation lady gave us her spill and when she finished we all looked at each other and agreed that donation was the route we wanted to take.  The Dr. left and I walked Mom and Dad to the parking garage.

When I came up on the elevator Helen met me and said, "Mom, you don't want to go in there" (meaning the waiting room),  I just looked at her, walked past her to the waiting room; I paused in the doorway and observed Susan sitting on one side of the room rifling through her briefcase and I spotted my divorce decree being tossed about.  Susan was haranguing Lisa Pope who was sitting across from her.   Lynn was in the waiting room.  The room reeked of alcohol.  I stood there taking the scene in, turned on my heel and made for ICU with Lynn following at my heels.  She entreated me to listen and come back to the waiting room.  I assured her I was just fine and rang the bell to the ICU and announced myself.  They let me in and had already offered their telephone for a call to Ron.  I dug through my wallet and found the number of my attorney.  It had been a long day and I wasn't ready to spar with Susan over my divorce decree, and if she wanted to talk legalese she needed to talk to my Linda, my attorney.  I called Linda and her son answered the phone and told me she wasn't avaialable.  I explained to him what had happened that day and he took a message and hung up.  Linda calded back immediately.  I told her about Susan throwing my divorce decree, and that her mission was to keep Scott alive until they had Ron back in the States . . . so he could see his son warm and breathing.  I explained little to Linda and begged her to speak to Susan.  At first Linda said to take the bull by the horns, but acquiesced to talk to Susan.  The nurses transferred the call to the waiting room.  So far we had kept Susan and Lynn out of ICU.

Lisa Pope showed up in ICU while I was on the phone, but I kept telling her to get Helen.  Don't leave Helen out there!  Someone finally let her in.  So there was Lisa Pope, Helen and me trying to regain our composure.  We had a few minutes, then the doors opened and in marched Susan who glanced coldly at me, with Lynn trailing behind her.  We let them pass, then the three of us left  ICU.

Lisa went her way and Helen and I went to my home.  She stayed there with me til about 3 of 3:30 am.  I remember I called the hospital at 4 am and talked to Scott's nurse, Kevin.  He said Lynn and Susan were still there.  Apparently Susan threatened all kinds of things in regard to halting the organ donation . . . so Scott could be warm and breathing when his father arrived in the States.  Why?!! He was already dead.

I still don't understand the furor.  We had only heard the organ people's pitch.  As a family we agreed that it would be a noble thing to do--we never sealed the deal so to say.  Of course we'd wait for Ron's agreement.  I strongly objected to Susan and Lynn's aggressive and drunken presentation.  I had earlier assured her that we would work together  with this.  Here she came and pounced on me, demanding I do it her way.  There had been no discussion, only Corky's plea for that "Teeeeeny favor" that we keep him on life support until his dad arrived.  I am, after all, a reasonable person but  we never discussed anything.  I didn't give her a chance after she got in my face.  I called my lawyer.  It had been a long day and I didn't want to talk lawyer talk.

Anyway, the long and short of it is Scott was kept on life support from Wednesday to Saturday.  I don't knowhow I feel about his dad wanting to see him alive and breathing . . . I feel like that was Corky's decision.  How phony; how fake.  The boy was dead.  Let him rest in peace.  I was so concerned for his soul.  He was frantic and terrified when he shot himself.  Then there he was, being kept alive after such a violent death.  The trauma of it resonated the air. He needed peace and there was this drama revolving around him.

I am still concerned about his soul; that it is still troubled and not at peace.

Well.  Thursday evening about 5 o'clock the organ donation people got in touch with me and a gentleman came over to the house to talk to me.  We did the nitty gritty about the organ donation.  There were a lot of questions about Scott . . . his health, his habits.  We were together for about an hour anad aahalf.  Because Susan had made such raucous threats and demands and demands of the hospital, they were going to conduct the same interview with her.  It was scheduled for the next morning.

Helen came over after the guy had left.  She and I talked quietly for a while and about 10 o'clock we decided to go to the hospital to see Scott.  We slipped down the corridor to ICU and there were Tessie and Chris, and Corky.  We rang the bell to ICU while Helen spoke to guys standing there.  I nodded hello and wondered why they were there.  I found out later that Susan and Lynn were meeting with the organ donation guy, and that meeting went on into the night.

Helen and I went into Scott's room.  It was just the three of us.  We stood at Scott's feet and were silent. Helen cried and I just sighed.  We talked quietly and stayed there for a good while.  Since then Helen has told me several times how glad she was we wnet there that night.  I am too.

The next day was Friday.  Ron was due in that day.  Someone told me the time he was to arrive.  I got up Friday morning and went to Silsbee to get my photographs.  I don't remember much of that morning, but Kathy told me several things I said and did.  My mission was to get the photos and en route I decided it was my place to meet Ron over the body of our son.  So I went past a waiting room full of Ron's friends and into ICU.  Tessie was with Scott, but they asked her to leave and I went and set with Scott again.  One last time.  Ron arrived and we were together with Scott.  Then I left so Ron could have his privacy.

Scott's organs wree donated and 7 people benefitted.  There is something noble in organ donation.  We're 10 years down the road.  The violence of a gun still resonates and shatters my peace.  I've learned to concentrate on what's happening today.  I don't have a good tidy ending for this piece.  Scott died at 18 by his own hand.  It was and is tragic.  I've lived with the what if's and the why's.  It doesn't matter, he died anyway.